Zach’s Substack

Zach Kahn's Substack Terms of Service: The Absolutely Serious and Totally Binding Agreement

Last Updated: Never, because who even reads these things?

Introduction:
Welcome to Zach Kahn's Substack, where unsolicited thoughts, semi-coherent musings, and random rants are delivered directly to your inbox. By subscribing, you agree to abide by these terms, which, honestly, you probably won’t read, but that's on you. Let’s dive in.

1. Your Subscription Obligations
By subscribing, you acknowledge that:

• You are legally required (in no way) to read every email, even the ones that are just pictures of Zach's dog or a single line of text about how much he hates Mondays.

• You must not forward or copy the newsletter without permission, though if you do, Zach will cry into his coffee and post a passive-aggressive tweet about it.

• You are expected to keep your inbox open and occasionally reply with emojis, which are interpreted as high praise, no matter how inappropriate.

2. Content Ownership (Spoiler: It’s Zach’s)

• All content shared via Zach Kahn’s Substack is the intellectual property of Zach Kahn, unless otherwise stated, and can only be used for personal, non-commercial purposes. Do not even think about plagiarizing the brilliant, cutting-edge thoughts on pop culture, parenting, or obscure ’90s TV shows.

• If you do attempt to steal or repurpose Zach's work, be warned: he has been known to send passive-aggressive emails laced with GIFs of his face looking disappointed.

• You may also be subject to a lifetime ban from receiving unsolicited memes.

3. Comments Section (A Place of Utter Chaos)

• All comments, feedback, and memes submitted to Zach's Substack will be taken into account with the utmost seriousness (unless they're about pineapple on pizza, in which case they will be ignored and you will be blocked).

• Zach reserves the right to delete any comment that challenges the authority of his personal opinion, but will probably just leave it up and laugh quietly to himself.

4. Newsletter Delivery

• You will receive newsletters with varying levels of frequency. Sometimes weekly, sometimes monthly, sometimes when Zach remembers he has a newsletter.

• Zach is not responsible for your inbox's fate. If your inbox fills up and your email provider forces you to unsubscribe, that’s on you.

• Should you decide to unsubscribe, you acknowledge that a small part of Zach’s soul will die each time. However, he will respect your decision (mostly), and might even send you a “sad” emoji in response.

5. Privacy and Data Collection (Yes, We’re Watching You)

• By subscribing, you agree that Zach will collect data on your reading habits, preferences, and whether you actually read the newsletters or just delete them after 0.3 seconds.

• You also agree to occasionally receive survey requests such as “Which pop star should I roast next?” and “Are you Team Coffee or Team Existential Crisis?”

• If you feel uncomfortable with Zach’s tracking of your reading behavior, you’re free to unsubscribe. However, we both know you’re not going anywhere.

6. No Legal Action (We’re All Just Here for the Jokes)

• By continuing your subscription, you waive all rights to pursue legal action against Zach Kahn for any emotional distress caused by his writing, particularly if it involves dad jokes, unsolicited rants about pizza, or an accidental dive into niche conspiracy theories.

• If you feel wronged by a particularly sarcastic sentence, please know that Zach will happily mock your complaint in the next issue.

7. Liability Disclaimer (It’s All Just Words, Bro)

• Zach Kahn's Substack makes no guarantees that it will change your life, or even make you laugh. However, there is a very real chance you’ll find yourself questioning your existence after reading an essay about why cereal should be eaten for dinner.

• If you experience a sudden urge to discuss weird internet trends or start a cult around obscure podcast recommendations, you agree not to hold Zach responsible. He has no idea how this happens either.

8. Termination of Service (Goodbye, Cruel Internet)

• Zach can, at his sole discretion, unsubscribe you from his newsletter for any reason. This includes but is not limited to:

  • Not opening a single email in the last year.

  • Accidentally replying “Stop” to an email (which, yes, will trigger an existential crisis in Zach’s mind).

  • Your subscription was an accident (in which case, Zach will still mourn your loss).

• You can also unsubscribe at any time, but Zach will shed a single, tear-filled emoji as a symbol of your betrayal.

9. Indemnification (Good Luck With That)

• You agree to indemnify Zach Kahn from any and all liability resulting from your reading of the Substack, which may include but is not limited to:

  • Getting lost in a rabbit hole of weird opinions on 90s TV shows.

  • Deciding to start your own newsletter about how much you hate Zach’s opinions.

  • Sharing an unsolicited opinion about pineapple on pizza.

10. The End (Of This Totally Binding Agreement)

• By continuing to read, click, or scroll, you consent to being slowly but surely sucked into Zach Kahn’s world of niche humor, obscure rants, and rambling insights that may or may not make sense.

• If you somehow find yourself in a Zoom call with Zach and a mysterious cult of fellow Substack readers, don’t say we didn’t warn you.

Have a great time, and remember: Zach Kahn is totally not responsible for your inbox overflow, or your questionable life choices, or your new obsession with obscure commercials.

By clicking ‘Subscribe,’ you agree to these terms, knowing full well that you’ll never read them again. Enjoy the chaos.